I begin this with a note on who I have chosen as the addressees of this message. There's no doubt, in my mind, that the general message of what I am writing applies across gender divides. However, rather than present myself as some sort of bold prophetic voice, I want to upfront in saying that, as a single male who most (myself included) would categorize as at least somewhat nerdy, there is a certain amount of "agenda" in my writing - namely, convincing Emma Stone, or someone like her, or not necessarily like her, of the value in men such as myself, by which I principally mean "me." Call me noble, call me self-serving; just don't call me good at keeping my trap shut.
As I was driving to Fort Dodge this morning for an early lunch, I had cause to reflect upon the timeless question of dating and mating. As a single 26 year old, this is not an uncommon line of thought for me, but today, things took a different turn than normal. Namely, I found myself thinking about the tie between our 21st century neoliberal capitalist market mentality, and dating. Buying and selling. Selling and buying. Investing wisely and diversifying. Thinking about retirement in our twenties. Bonds, stocks, mutual funds, money market accounts. Isn't dating just one more big commodities market? Isn't a first coffee date just another consideration of the merits of investing time and money in the hopes of a return? Isn't a first kiss fundamentally the same as investing in a nice, safe mutual fund - low risk, potential payoff down the road...even though you can easily extricate yourself if things look to be going south? Isn't picking up a stranger at the bar just a sexier form of day trading, and marriage a major long-term investment strategy?
Since, clearly, we're just human commodities in a volatile buyer's market, I began to think about strategies for promoting my long-term goals. Advertising is, of course, key - the public's got to know why I'm worth the investment, after all. So, let's first consider the product. One male, 26, 5'7", 194 lbs, stocky build, olive complexion, dark hair and eyes, excessive body hair, IQ of 150 (with 140 being the genius mark on the scale), moderate (mostly social) drinker, non-smoker, non-drug user, well below average eyesight, moderately active and in good health. Those are the technical specifics; feel free to inquire for more details about featured software.
So, why you should you, attractive female with discerning taste, consider investing in a product such as this? This question becomes particularly important when one considers that other, top-selling models often feature, as standard, increased height (usually more in proportion with weight), decreased hair, no glasses, and lower IQ. What makes this make and model stand out positively when compared to, say, FratBoy 3.0? I invite you to consider the following as you make your selection:
-You're smart, and you want somebody smart. Imagine you have a successful career in a field that requires at least one specialized degree for an entry level position - let's say nursing. You come home from the hospital after a long, hard shift full of Latin and Greek medical terms being slung around like curse words on a Jersey Shore boardwalk. Would rather come home to someone capable of understanding what you're talking about as you vent about the frustrations of working in the medical field, or someone who thinks that "medulla oblongata" is an Italian appetizer? Smart might not be as immediately sexy as firm biceps, but smart doesn't turn to flab once your metabolism crashes, either. Smart is also funnier - Harold and Kumar might sell movie tickets, but it's Woody Allen and Monty Python that will be watched in century.
-He won't be hot forever. He will be paunchy with male pattern baldness by 40. It's like a car; the market value will depreciate. On the flipside, if hotness is off the table to begin with, there's going to be less depreciation. In fact, kinda-cute-and-smart-and-funny is likely to be worth more in 20 years, as "cute" changes less than "hot," "smart" is likely to continue growing in value, and "funny" gets better with familiarity. Think long-term investment strategy here.
-Sex. Yes, I'm going there. It is understandable that there is more immediate turn-on, for you, when you think of (for example) the men featured in shows such as "Thunder From Down Under." Muscular, handsome features, clean-cut appearances - the allure is obvious. And, to immediately attractive men whose sizzle sells the steak (as it were), you are just one more warm, willing body. You are not special. You are probably not the most beautiful girl in the world, or the hottest body on the planet. You're just another woman who meets a base standard of attractiveness, and the sex will reflect that. Is the turn-on more immediate? Of course. Does Nasty McHotstuff have any real reason, or depth of feeling, in taking you on a business class flight to O-town? It's just a commuter flight to Pittsburgh for him, and if you're not willing to let him come on up the jetway, then he'll just wander down to gate C-12 and catch the flight to Buffalo. Easy come, easy go...as it were.
But let me tell you what sex with a nerd is like. I preface this by saying that I speak much more from feeling than experience here. But, what I can say - making out, and presumably sex, with a nerd is much more rewarding, because the average nerd will come to the act of lovemaking with a profound sense of gratitude that, for once, someone recognizes in him that there is more than just a summation of either attractive or unattractive components. The nerd will not just boff you; the nerd will make every kiss, caress, and motion into a self-sacrificing "thank you." The nerd will do whatever it takes, however long it takes, to make your body feel as spectacular as his emotional state at, finally, being told in the most primal way possible that, yes, he is somehow special and unique. And, considering the level of wounding of most nerds (who have, more likely than not, had their egos battered for most of their lives over all the things they're not), I have every reason to suspect that the passionate "thank you for seeing me for me" isn't likely to die out after the second date.
So, all of you in my target demographic, keep these things in mind. We're all consumers in this glorious day and age, so - be an educated consumer. Invest strategically. Check out the goods before you buy them. Think long-term. And...think that, perhaps, your purchasing power might have the ability to do good not only to yourself, but to others, as well. And, if you're Emma Stone, or perhaps a woman who is (to quote Cee-Lo Green) less an X-Box and more an Atari, and you're reading this, I will totally take you to a Cubs game and then buy you drinks all night long.
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